Umendo Chapter 40

Umendo Chapter 40

At work I called Siya a few times to check up on him, l wanted to reassure him that l was going to stand by him through it all like l had promised when we got married. He sounded down, I really wished l could take away some of his worries so he wouldn't have to carry so much by himself. I thought about asking him to visit the men's clinic, but then decided to wait a while. I mean it had only happened once, well several times in one day, so maybe things would go back to normal when we tried again. And l didn't want him to feel like l was putting more pressure on him after just one fail, so unless he brought it up, l was going to keep my suggestion on hold for a while longer. Then there was the issue of my mother in law, I told Siya when l called him and he asked me not to give her my aunt's number, he was going to talk to her. So l left it there, I understood how sensitive this was for him, so l thought it was best that he handled it his way. 

That afternoon at work l received a single rose with a note saying "I can't get you out of my mind", it was the same writing as the one on that last note that came with flowers from an anonymous admirer. Usathane yisilingo ngempela, l chucked it into the bin and went back to work. Mike and Langa gave me those inquisitive eyes but I didn't indulge them. At home after we had our dinner, l gave Siya a massage hoping it would relax him and hopefully reduce his stress. In bed that night he made the first move, I responded, but it was yet another flop. Siya got out of bed after the failure to launch and went to watch TV at midnight. I followed him but he told me to go back to bed he was going to join me soon. I didn't push it by trying to talk to him or being all mushy, I kissed him and went to bed. I couldn't sleep though, I tossed and turned thinking of what ifs. Around 2am l went to check up on Siya and he had fallen asleep on the sofa, I put a blanket on him and switched off the TV. For the first ever ngalala ngedwa kodwa uSiya ekhona. Whenever he pissed me off, l would tell him to sleep in the spare bedroom but he would refuse and come sleep with me, so l would leave and go sleep in there myself but he always followed me until l gave up. So that night felt a bit weird, what if life as l knew it was going to change forever because of this? That was a scary thought for me. 

Over the next couple of weeks things didn't get any better, Siya was sleeping on the sofa watching TV most of the time. Damn that TV, whenever l called him to come to bed, he would say he is coming, but not come at all or come around 4 or 5 in the morning. If he did go to bed with me, he would sleep right on the edge of the bed ngani angaze awe embhedeni, you could fit a bus in between him and l. If l tried to get closer to him khona wayengavele awele phansi. The conversations had gone stale, it was as if we didn't know each other anymore. We usually argued whenever our favourite programmes clashed, but Siya let me watch even when there was soccer on. Even on the sofa, he would sit on the single recliner to avoid cosying up next to me as we always did. It felt like we were an old married couple, maybe layo old married couple ize ibengcono cos they have a few things to talk about. Me and Siya on the other hand, hayi shem. It was time to confront the elephant in the room, and boy was it a huge elephant! 

We were watching Khumbul 'eKhaya when that advert about the men's clinic came on. After it finished playing, l muted the TV

Sme: Siya, maybe you need to visit the men's clinic. 

Siya: (zwi yena, no eye contact)

Sme: We cannot ignore this forever baby, I don't mean to put pressure on you or anything, but I think you should go and get help

Siya: Ok

Sme: Does that mean you will go?

Siya: Yes

Sme: Ok, do you want me to go with you?

Siya: No

Sme: Ok, let me know if you change your mind

Siya: Ok

Sme: Did you call umama?

Siya: Mayelana ngani?

Sme: Angithi you said you were going to talk to her when she called to ask for my aunt's number?

Siya: Did she call you again?

Sme: No, l was just wondering

Siya: Then there is no need just yet

Sme: Siya, don't shut me out, I'm just trying to help here. 

Siya: I'm sure you are relieved aren't you?

Sme: Relieved about what?

Siya: That it's not you ongazaliyo. That must have felt good when we found out that I'm the one shooting blanks 

Sme: Hawu Siyabonga

Siya: Ngamanga yini?Were you not relieved (now he had turned to look at me)

Sme: Siya....

Siya: Exactly, you cannot tell me you weren't cos that would be a lie. 

Sme: No Siya, l wasn't because it still affects us both.

Siya: But now it means you can leave me and be with someone who can give you children. Ngubani ongafuna ukuhlalela indoda engazaliyo, vele akula zabudoda if ungazali. It's my punishment l guess

Sme: Siya, leaving you hasn't even crossed my mind

Siya: Manga!

Sme: And punishment for what?

Siya: For cheating. That moment of weakness brought nothing but trouble in our lives. And because of that, l killed my own father! 

Sme: Hawu Siya, where is all this coming from?

Siya: Just admit it, you all think it but won't say it out loud. My father had a stroke because he was stressed about me, first of all because l cheated and supposedly impregnanted that girl, then that same girl's mother nearly got me killed. Had l not cheated, my father would have never had a stroke, therefore he would still be alive today (zahlengezela inyembezi) 

Sme: (I knelt in front of him and held his hands which were shaking) Baby, don't think like that. Ubab'uNkomo ubesekhulile, no one blames you for his death. And as for this, it's not like you have a child or two already and then usuzama futhi but kwehlula. No one is punishing you. The doctor said you have a low sperm count, therefore our chances of conceiveng are low, he didn't say it was entirely impossible. We can't lose hope without trying. 

 He got up, went to his car and locked himself inside: he was still crying. I knocked on the car window but he wouldn't open. Eventually l left him there and went to bed, ngalala umqamelo umanzi. I felt helpless, I couldn't help my husband whom l could tell was in a lot of pain inside. I really wished he could share his burdens with me, let me in and let me help him, but he was pushing me further and further away from him. What does one do in a situation like this?